I am sure I have stupidly built up my expectations for the coming year; I have been known to entertain thoughts that some people consider delusions. I have always striven for the self-actualization phase of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. In some way I have touched upon it, but I don't know that I have ever achieved it. I think the problem is the "self" actualization phase. As long as a person is focused on self, I don't think h/she will ever be completely satisfied. I have had periods of my life when my faith was especially strong, when matters of the family have been wonderful, when professionally, I have been at the top of my game. I have had periods too of intense creativity -- which may have been fueled by the flames of mania to which I am prone. Of course, with all good times, there are bad times. The past year was one of those bad times. The end of 2011 and most of 2012 have not been great years for me. My creativity has sputtered and in some cases nearly died away. When my mother died, I questioned the meaning of everything. My daughter got married and left the nest for good. She married a good man, but it still doesn't take the sting out of her being gone. I have sputtered and stumbled professionally often falling prey to periods of depression and feelings of uselessness. Sometimes, I feel as if I am too old to be doing what I'm doing, as if the times have passed me by, and I'm a teacher still stuck in the 80's.
Things began to turn around a little for me though the last few months of 2012. Part of that is because my spring semester at school is going to be easier and I won't feel as if the walls are closing in on me all the time. Part of that is my novel which I have immersed myself into, and I still believe it is the best thing I have ever done. I am giving myself one more chance to have the kind of publishing experience I have always longed for. If Fall of Knight does not find itself a publisher, I am not going to beat my head against the wall anymore. I am going to retire in a few years, and I want to enjoy it. I've also decided that unless I get canned I am going to forgo finding any other teaching job. I'll retire at North County unless MAC walks up to me and offers me a full time position. I'll wait for grandkids to come along so that I can spoil them.
I want to read more books, listen to more music, watch more movies, and travel to more places. I want to get myself back into shape -- I gained 8 pounds over the holidays. I want to watch my health and sharpen my mind. I don't want to get older; I want to get better.
The title of this blog today is Milestone. I have only a hand full of views to go before I hit 10,000. I never thought so many people would want to read anything I have written. Thanks to all of you who are fans of my boring -- and yes, satirical Facebook updates, my crossbytes which sometimes come pretty easily, my novel excerpts and my blog. I hope in some small way I may have inspired you, made you think, or made you mad. Until later. Aloha.
Things began to turn around a little for me though the last few months of 2012. Part of that is because my spring semester at school is going to be easier and I won't feel as if the walls are closing in on me all the time. Part of that is my novel which I have immersed myself into, and I still believe it is the best thing I have ever done. I am giving myself one more chance to have the kind of publishing experience I have always longed for. If Fall of Knight does not find itself a publisher, I am not going to beat my head against the wall anymore. I am going to retire in a few years, and I want to enjoy it. I've also decided that unless I get canned I am going to forgo finding any other teaching job. I'll retire at North County unless MAC walks up to me and offers me a full time position. I'll wait for grandkids to come along so that I can spoil them.
I want to read more books, listen to more music, watch more movies, and travel to more places. I want to get myself back into shape -- I gained 8 pounds over the holidays. I want to watch my health and sharpen my mind. I don't want to get older; I want to get better.
The title of this blog today is Milestone. I have only a hand full of views to go before I hit 10,000. I never thought so many people would want to read anything I have written. Thanks to all of you who are fans of my boring -- and yes, satirical Facebook updates, my crossbytes which sometimes come pretty easily, my novel excerpts and my blog. I hope in some small way I may have inspired you, made you think, or made you mad. Until later. Aloha.
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