Crossbyte Contemplation #7: “Manic Depression is Capturing My Soul,” Jimi Hendrix

I don’t know if you need this or not, but I thought I might give you a little insight into a manic depressive’s mind — now called bipolar disorder. In my case, bipolar 2 with fewer bouts of the destructive mania you might think about when you think of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder 2, has lower highs (How’s that for an oxymoron.) It tends to manifest itself in greater depression. 

I’m not writing this, by the way, to make you feel sorry for me. I want to give you some insight into the way my bipolar affects me.

A few days ago, I just woke up depressed. There was no reason for it. Nothing bad had happened. It was one of those days. Even though I take medication, I still have days when something is out of whack and I am depressed.

I tend to think of my life as roles that I have been given — only the movie is real. I have a father role, a grandfather role, an educator role, a writer role, a husband role — the list goes on. Usually when I get down, it is related to my idea that I am failing in one of my roles.

Two of the roles that are the most chaotic for me are my role as writer and as a believer.

Like most bipolar sufferers, I sometimes have delusions of grandeur which means basically that I think me or my work is a whole lot better than what it actually is. When these delusions are bad, I mistakenly think I can do anything that I set my mind to.

Recently, I wrote a “short,” a screenplay which is not nearly as long as a “feature.” A feature runs about 120 pages whereas a short runs anywhere from 5-30 pages. Three producers wanted to look at it. Three.

“This is it,” I thought. “This will be my ship coming in.” Every time I feel like “this” (whatever this is) is it, my failure voice says, “No, it isn’t.”

I’ll even pray sometime, thinking that God will drop whatever I want right into my lap. Turns out I received another hope-crushing rejection from one producer. What really upsets me is that I think it was a “bait and switch tactic” all along. Producer says, “I’ll take a look at your script.” Then it gets sent back, “This is not really what I’m looking for.  I could give you some detailed notes.” Usually, this is a more appealing way of saying, “Pay me some money, and I’ll tell you what I think.”

Did I mention this was a soul-crushing rejection? My believer role often reacts with a comment like this, “God, why did you get my hopes up?” Then, I start to wonder if maybe my faith isn’t strong enough — If I could believe just a little bit harder. From there, my self-esteem voice kicks in. “God didn’t do it. Your writing just sucks. Why are you such a failure? Why can’t you do anything right? Are you deluding yourself by actually thinking you’re great?

It’s right around this time that I crash, and I can be depressed for days. Then, the depression begins to lift a little. I think, well maybe the producer just doesn’t appreciate real talent. The delusion cycle kicks. I think my manuscript can’t help but succeed. When the next rejections comes along, the cycle continues. I have to pick myself off the floor again.

Delusion, elation, rejection, confusion and then finally, depression. Over and over again. Imagine that if you can. This is my life.

The thing is. I have had incredible moments of success with my writing. I’ve published stories, articles, plays, books and have even optioned a screenplay. This is more than most writers do in a lifetime. And two producers still have my script. One of those two might want it. I don’t see that. All I see is the rejection. I am in the absolute worst thing for bipolar disorder. 90% of what you’re doing gets rejected. The percentage is even higher for screenplays, especially for an older writer who lives in Missouri rather than Hollywood.

When a failure comes along,  I no longer remember the successes. My medication helps me some, but medication is a treatment not a cure.

"Take a Look at Yourself". by Uriah Heep. What I wish I could tell my 13 year old self.

"Hey, little Stevie. This is big Stevie. You at 62."

"So I live that long?"

"Yeah, but you can't take life for granted. I survived cancer and believed I could die at any time."

"But if I live that long, I don't have to worry about death for a long time. Cool."

"I wish it were that easy. One of your friends is going to kill himself soon. Not only should you not take your life for granted; you shouldn't take others'. One-third of the great commandment is to love your neighbor. Pay attention to people. Communicate with them. Get your head out of yourself and pay attention to others in case they're having a hard time. You're going to find people your whole life who need encouragement or help."

"What can I do to stop people from hurting themselves?"

"Sometimes nothing. Sometimes everything. The thing is, if you're not aware, then you won't ever get the chance to help someone. Then you have to deal with the guilt. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what you should have done. In all things, do your best not to harm others with words or deeds. And if you do something wrong, don't beat yourself up forever. Everyone does something wrong."

"If I'm good to others, they'll be good to me." Little Stevie smiles.

"I wish it were that easy. People are going to bully you for no reason. It will be hard, but you can't let them ruin your self-esteem. Another part of the great command is to love yourself. I can assure you. You can and will do great things."

"That'll show them." Little Stevie balls up his fist and pounds his palm.

"No, it won't. They'll likely forget all about you even though you can never forget them. Do things not to get back at others, but to fulfill your dreams. Even if you ever manage to get back at someone, it won't be satisfying."

"At least I have my church." Little Steve pulls out his cross chain and smiles radiantly.

"Well, little Stevie, your church is a cult. It does make you feel special, but it is rife with hypocrisy. Unfortunately, several churches are."

"To hell with them then."

"Here's a problem, Little Stevie. If your faith depends on a church, it's not faith. Don't give up your faith. You almost did, you know. There's a place out there for you, but you'll never find it if you condemn them all to hell. You're only condemning yourself. The most important part of the great commandment is to love God. This happens if you have "personal" faith. The right church helps, but it's not like it can hand you faith on a communion plate."

Little Stevie brow furrows in contemplation.

"I have to go back now, Little Stevie, but I want to leave you with one final bit of advice. Think for yourself. Don't do something because someone else tells you tell to. You won't be living your own life, you'll be living a life that someone else thinks you ought to. You have to find your own path. Finding your own path doesn't mean you'll have to walk alone though. You can take the same highway to different destinations. People will travel with you and enjoy their company for as long as you can, but don't think you have to get out in the same place."