Taking Chances

Link to buy, Deliver Us from Evil

I'm not one to take a lot of chances. I'm usually pretty happy to stay in my normal routine, even more so now that I am retired.  I don't like to put myself "out there" very much, but my writing is one way I do this. So I'm putting myself out there again in a way that a lot of people won't expect from me.

I am a spiritual person who believes in God, in the principalities and spirits of heaven and earth. I think that sometimes these principalities are evil and they do their best to influence people. I don't know if I'd call it demon possession because I think a lot of what used to be considered demon possession was mental illness. Still, I believe that there are some people, some places, that have an evil presence in control of them.

I wanted to write a book about faith. I didn't want it to be a Bible thumping hell fire and damnation story, a sermon disguised as some kind of preachy fiction. I did want it to express the power of faith. There are, I believe, battles that we cannot win by ourselves, and only our faith -- in God, in friends, in family -- enable us to win them.

Deliver Us from Evil is a young adult, Christian, horror novel that describes a war that my character Bryan Stewart is fighting between good and evil.  That war is symbolized by two characters in my story and two ways of life. I know Christian horror sounds like an oxymoron, but anyone who has ever battled temptation knows what I mean.

This is where I get a little strange, and no one will really be able to understand unless they have been where I am. As a lot of people know, I am bipolar.  Throughout most of my life, I felt like I was constantly battling between the bad part of me and the good part of me. My mood ran to opposite extremes. I'd do stupid things that could have harmed me or someone else. I often felt like there was a spiritual battle going on inside of me.  I remember when I was a teenager, one of my favorite songs was The Halls of Karma, by Black Oak Arkansas. I felt as if the song depicted my situation perfectly. Look up the lyrics sometimes to see see what I mean.

I am not going to give you all the details of a saving experience that I had because it wasn't one experience but a series of events, and the battle still rages on. What I have given you is my novel. It's not one of the best things I have ever written, but it is sincere. You will be able to get it as a Kindle book or, in a few days, a paper back.

Before I published it, I asked a lot of people if they would be interested in seeing it happen, and they told me they would. Well, it has happened. I don't know if I will write anything else like this. I don't know if God would approve, but I am doing this one book to see how it turns out. Lately, I have thought a lot about my writing and where it is and where it should be in my life. I read a book by Linda Seger, a wonderful Christian lady and a great writer, which has made me slow down and re-examine my work.

As always, I appreciate your support. I would very much love to hear your opinions on the book if you read it. In the meantime, if you have any questions, let me know.

A little crazy, but it's kept me from going insane

For those of you who were fans of Fall of Knight, I have a request. I'm going to rewrite the books. I'm changing to a rotating viewpoint and making some other changes that I think will really make the book interesting to a new publisher.  This is only the first page, but it gives you an idea of some of the changes you might see. I also plan to do the next book with a revolving point of view like you see in so many YA books.

Fall of Knight

Dean Knight Chapter 1

“All of us are crazy; some of us are just medicated.”

#Knytebytes

Or in my case, shocked. I cut a lot because I can control it, and it clears my head. This last time I cut a little too far. I just kind of lost myself, watching it until the blood kept coming faster … and faster…

I nearly died. Now this. Imagine the scene.

            Dean Knight, 17 hospital gown letting in enough air to freeze his … as two doctors wheel him down an aisle toward the shock shop.

            Electrodes are attached to his head.

            It’s called Electro Convulsive Therapy, a kind of a last-ditch attempt to help crazy people like Dean. Sometimes it helps when nothing else does. Sometimes it doesn’t.

            White coat one says, “You’ll be sedated. You won’t feel a thing.”

            Dean says, “So let me get this straight. You’ll be giving me a convulsion – on purpose – that will help me to get over the depression. You mind telling me what else electrical jolts going through your head does?”

            White coat two says, “Side effects differ. The most common ones are confusion, a loss of memory.”

            Dean says, “That might not be such a bad thing.”

            White coat one says, “It’s almost always temporary.”

            They wheel Dean into a room whose coldness only adds more discomfort to Dean’s buttcheeks.

            “So how many times do I have to get this stuff done?” Dean asks though he’s almost too groggy too talk.

            “Three times a week for four weeks,” white coat one says.

            “Do you have any questions before we put you under?” white coat two asks.

            “Is it too late to change my mind?” Dean asks and giggles.

            The anesthesiologist says, “I want you to count to ten backwards.”

            Dean giggles, thinking this is pretty stupid. “10 … 9 … 8 …”

             A while later I wake up and don’t know where the heck I am, who the heck I am, nor do I remember anything that has happened to me. I also have a splitting headache and my jaw hurts. I’ve had blackouts from drinking before, but this is not like anything I have ever experienced in my life.

            My first ECT treatment. Dr. King, my psychiatrist tells me that it is probably my first step out of the hell my life has been. Dr. King is stupid.

Fear of Flying

Don't forgo the thrill of flying for worrying too much about the fear of falling. #crossbytes

I didn't fly until I was well past 50. To tell the truth, I was just a little bit afraid to. Then things changed. I flew to New York City, Las Vegas, and Puerto Rico. I love it. If I ever have to go anywhere of any distance, this old man is going to be flying. Now, I don't know if I would have flown any sooner in my lifetime had I known what I know now, but that's not really the point of this blog.

I know that there have been numerous times in my life and I'm guessing yours too, when I have not even tried to do something because I thought I would fail. I don't know where my life would be now if I had been a little more courageous and a little more assertive. Dead maybe.  Like I said, I don't know.  I do know that it's not too late.

I receive several email newsletters daily having to do with all kinds of writing.  Today, I just happened to receive one of the many screenwriting letters I get and in it there was a notice from a producer who was looking for a screenplay. I happen to have one I've written that fits the needs of this one almost perfectly. I hesitated because I've had no luck with screenplays-- although this one did finish in the top ten of the comedy category of one contest I entered it in. I decided that I had nothing to lose by sending a query. I might fall anyway, but I know I'm going to fall if I don't send it at all. So I'd appreciate it if some of my friends thought about my efforts and send me some prayers or good vibes or something.

Living in Missouri makes it hard to be a screenwriter, and I often wish I had some connections in Hollywood, but I don't. Still, I like writing screenplays and though I may never get off the ground with one, I am going to keep writing them.

Back to my crossbyte. You can't live your live fearing failure.  The only failure is a life not lived.  Even if something doesn't go the way you want it to, there is always a lesson to be learned that might make your next effort a success.

If any of you would like to read more of my crossbytes go to Twitter and do a search for #crossbytes or #crossbyte. There might just be one of them that is speaking to you. And if there is, let me know.  Someone told me that one of my crossbytes was exactly what she needed to hear. I told her that I was glad it spoke to her.  She said it spoke volumes.

Stay tuned. As soon as I can, I think I am going to lower the price of Walt Michaels to see if I can sell more.  I'm getting a better idea of what people are willing to pay for something like it.

Ch - Ch - changes

Walt Michaels: on sale now

I've made some changes. Or at least I will soon, once I do some meditations on a book I've been reading. I'll get to that a little later.

I've changed my marketing techniques for my Walt Michaels is a Weenie Book. Right now it's on sale for 99 cents and will be for a couple days. I'm doing what is called a countdown sale.  In close to three days, the price will go up to 1.99, and in another three days it will go up to the original price. 

I don't know if I should have done this or not, but I took the chance. I sent a Facebook message to about 50 of my friends. I didn't ask them to buy my book, but I did want to tell them that is was on sale for 99 cents. I told them that if they did buy it or if they just wanted to, I would appreciate it if they passed the word about it. I'm never going to make my royalties threshold if things don't change soon.

I hope that by the first week or two of December, I will also have Deliver Us from Evil self-published. I have about 100 pages of that to look overs. As I'm reading it, I'm thinking how atrocious my dialogue is.  I have really been slicing it up and trying to add some more interesting stuff.

I have been reading a book by Linda Seeger called Spiritual Steps on the Road to Success, and it has really made me think about what's left of my life, where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going.  Linda is an expert script consultant who also happens to be a strong Christian. She leans to the left like me, and when I read her stuff, she speaks to me on a deep spiritual level.

This is one of those books I will have to return to time and time again as it has caused me to think I need to change my whole way of doing things.  Well, that's about it from me. Later.

Stuff that dreams are made of

If the dreams you have at night are a window into your soul, then I am in serious trouble. The last year or so, I have been a frequent nightmare sufferer. Several times my wife has had to wake me up because I was dangerously close to becoming violent in my sleep. One time, I was actually even punching her in the back before she woke up and got me awake.

The other night I had a doozy. I dreamed I was killing myself. Now, even though I have suffered from bipolar disorder for years, I have never tried to kill myself; nor would I ever. (Which doesn't mean there weren't times when I thought I would be better off dead, but that's not quite the same thing.) Now, in my nightmare I didn't commit suicide -- at least I don't think I did.

I was in an old house that I have dreamed about in the past. Places frequently repeat themselves in my dream, and this particular place has always been a little creepy whenever I dream about it, always involving ghosts, weird noises, evil spirits and the like. For whatever reason, I was in the basement floor of this house, but it wasn't like a typical basement. It was more like a long, wide corridor with rooms on each side of the corridor. I was looking for a place where I could take a shower. This might be an important piece of the dream.

At any rate, an evil spirit appeared and tried to attack me. I fought back and began choking it.  The entire time I choked it, I was calling on the name of Jesus to send it back to the hell it came out of. (I was talking aloud in my sleep because my words were garbled. Because of my cpap machine if I talk in my sleep while I'm dreaming, the words in my dream are garbled.) As I choked this evil creature, I noticed something odd and unnerving.

It looked exactly like a teenaged version of myself.  At about that time, my wife awoke me.

I don't know quite what to make of this dream. I know where some of it might come from. I've been reading a YA novel that I wrote because I've been thinking about revising and self publishing it. It is a Christian horror novel dealing with Satanism. That might be where it came from.

But I wonder what Freud would think or Jung. Was this just some dream or was it some indication -- some prophecy or message or truth I should know about myself. I believe that dreams can and do reveal what is going on with a person. I also believe that sometimes dreams are just dreams and they're stupid.  But this one has me puzzled.

Am I trying to hide something in my past -- metaphorically kill it so to speak? Am I trying to move on or change from something and the only way to do that is to turn my back on my past? Does this dream signal that I am going to take some new track in my life or perhaps that I'm realizing my mortality and my younger self is dying? Maybe there's something inside me that I wish were dead. Or is it just a stupid dream?

I'm not sure really. My life has undergone a lot of changes over the last six months. I retired from teaching, moved to a different part of the state, and got a new grandbaby. I'm also teaching classes for a new college in a completely new way through ITV. Maybe my brain is just unsettled and all the pieces float around a little until I sleep and then they fall into some random patterns. Who knows? I will just continue to take things one day at a time.

When I finish revising my YA Christian horror novel, I will put it on Amazon so you can purchase it for you Kindle. It's a pretty good book that has been published once, but it needs work. I will warn you that it's not your grandmother's Christian book. I believe that there is a spirit world and that sometimes those spirits, whether they be good or bad, interfere with the human world. I also believe that humans are perfectly capable of being good or bad without the help of spirits.

In the meantime, my funny, fluffy, and completely family-friendly book, Walt Michaels Is a Weenie is still available on Amazon. Sales are not tearing up the charts, so I would be grateful for your support.

Click to purchase or preview Walt Michaels book

politics

I have refused to talk politics over the last several months. My vote is private and no matter what anyone says to me, they will not change what I feel in my heart is the best thing to do. I have seen this charade wipe out any semblance of unity our country once had, and it scares the hell out of me to see what might be coming next. How does the rest of the world look at the good old US of A now?Down on us, most likely. Our lack of leadership and our unwillingness to work together for the common good will destroy us. May God have mercy on our souls.

Just Rattling

Sometimes, I think my life as a wannabe author was much easier when I wrote dark, depressing poetry that even my wife wouldn't read. I was a Debbie Downer. I also fooled around with some short stories and some articles with limited success. Like many other people, I was maimed in the shark-infested waters of publishing and fell for some schemes that wound up costing me money and leaving me with books that were "published" but which no one ever wanted to read and which no one really bought either. However, my writing life turned around a little when I wrote my first plays. I had been "drafted" by my school to be the drama instructor.

I had a hard time finding plays which I believed I was capable of directing because I was an English teacher first and definitely not a drama director, so I began experimenting with writing some of my own plays. One day I got a play catalogue, and I wondered if the publisher accepted freelance play submissions. To make a long story short, it did, and since that time seven of my plays have been published. There are some years when they do well, and I make some decent royalties, and I've had at least one year when no one produced them, and I didn't earn a dime.

I am proud of having these plays published, and I get very excited when I look at the reports each year and find that some school somewhere in the country is performing one. So far, this year a school in Idaho is performing my most popular play Haunted Hamlet. Lately though, I haven't really had many plays published because I've been aiming for bigger literary triumps. However,  I did recently finish a one act and sent it to my old publisher. I'm anxious to see if they want to publish it. I've decided that if they accept it for publication that I'll write something full length. Otherwise, I don't know if I'll do much more playwriting, especially since I've retired from teaching.

I have the first inklings of an idea for a screenplay, but I have to let the idea incubate in my mind for a while before I start writing.  Writing screenplays and selling them are tough, especially for someone who doesn't have any credits and who lives in Missouri.  However, I enjoy the form. I've done well in some contests, which have encouraged me a little, but I'm not so naive as to believe that one day I will be in Hollywood pitching my screenplays to Steven Speilberg. If nothing becomes of the screenplay, I can always expand it into a YA novel. My idea fits into that genre.

In the meantime, I'm experimenting with some other ideas. Self publishing is one. I've self published Walt Michaels is a Weenie because I know it's good. It was published once before, but it didn't sell very well because my publisher didn't really market it. I also know that it's good because the screenplay I wrote on it finished in the top 100 of a contest, which if you don't know anything about screenwriting contests, is very good. It has a lot of clean humor, and it's a book that anyone, regardless of age can relate to.

I would really like to see two main things happen with Walt Michaels is a Weenie. I'd like for a few people to buy it and start giving me some reviews on Amazon. If the reviews are good and I think they will be, I can start using the comments in my ad campaigns for the book.  I would also like to see Intermediate schools(4th, 5th, 6th grades) classrooms buy class sets of the book and have their students read it as an accelerated reader book. I have a teacher friend who is developing a test and discussion questions for it.  If a teacher had 30 students in class, every kid could have his or her own ebook version for under $100 total. In this age of high-priced textbooks, that's a bargain. I would also be interested in visiting schools who use the book just to talk to the kids about writing.  These two are my immediate goals for my book.

I am not averse to self publishing further books either. I have some that are hard to pinhole into a marketable category.  For instance, I have written a book that is a Young adult Christian horror book. I've also thought about republishing Fall of Knight, the revised version, and its sequel.  Fall of Knight had about 36 reviews on Amazon, and my overall score was 4.6 out of 5. I think the second book is better than the first.  I have ideas.

Of course I could just be manic, and all of these brilliant ideas will come crashing in on my head tomorrow. With bipolar disorder, such crashes come with the turf.

Walt Michaels book: click here

Blog for the night

I probably get a lot more personal on here than people like, but that's okay, I don't think anybody reads this anyway. Maybe the ones who do will do one of two things: buy my book or realize they aren't alone in the world.

I had a new kind of doctor's experience yesterday, but it wasn't a bad one at all. My psychiatrist lives in Brazil, and we visited over Skype. This was my first time seeing her because of our recent move, and being a little bit crazy, change always stresses me out, but Dr. Miller set me at ease.  The most important thing to me was that she spent an entire hour talking to me, and she actually listened to all that I had to say. I felt a little like I was being set on an assembly line with my other doctor. He wasn't bad by any means, but he just didn't have the time to fully answer my questions. Because of that, I think he missed some things.

I can't tell you how relieved I was the first time I was diagnosed as being bipolar. I know. That sounds crazy. Well, I am crazy. The reason why I was relieved was that I now knew what was wrong with me.  Before being diagnosed, I didn't know. I just knew I wasn't quite right. Knowing I had an illness that could be successfully treated helped me considerably. Just listen to this statistic. In the ten years or so before I was diagnosed, I had three different teaching jobs and three other jobs. After I was diagnosed and started getting treatment, I stayed in teaching.  I won't say my mood swings have been easy, but they have been manageable.

Any way, that relief I felt when I was first diagnosed came back yesterday because I've had some issues for a few years. In the fall and winter, I get unusually restless and have more bouts of depression. My doctor immediately began treatment to help me cope during this time of year.  I told her I also felt as if I were ADD to a certain extent.  She asked me a series of several questions and that too looks like it will be highly possible.  But the thing is she doesn't want to change up everything all at once. She's going to make changes gradually so that my mind and body can adjust as I go along with the treatment.

Bipolar is one mental illness that can be treated very successfully, but if you don't get treatment for you, it can destroy your life in myriad ways. I remember reading somewhere a long time ago, and I realize this statistic might have changed, that untreated bipolars are more likely to commit suicide than those with any other mental illness. Anyway, getting medication preserved my life. I taught for over 30 years, and I'm now retired. I have been married for 34 years, and now my wife and I are loving our first grand daughter. Don't let depression destroy you. With mental illness there is NO pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.

I am interested in seeing what happens if and when my doctor starts treating my ADD. I have terrible trouble concentrating on things, and I'm wondering if treatment will help me with my writing and some of my other pursuits.

Today, I've tried grading papers, but I've had computer struggles. I decided to update my computer, but I didn't know at the time that it was going to take an hour, so I tried grading papers on my iPad -- not recommended.  I did manage to get some finished.

I'm going to do two more things before I sign off for the night. Several years ago, I started making up crossbytes for the seniors in my classes. These are little nuggets of wisdom that I put up on the board in an attempt to inspire them. I'm going to end this entry with the one I wrote today.

I also want to tell you a little bit about where Walt Michaels Is a Weenie came from.  I relied on escapism to deal with a lot of the bullying I endured when I was a kid. One of my favorite stories has always been "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" so it was easy for me to incorporate the daydreaming into a humorous novel. Secondly, baseball was my first love, and I was a decent player. I even harbored dreams of becoming a major league player until I realized I couldn't run well, couldn't hit fast pitching, and couldn't field very well. However, I was the greatest when it came to "pick-em-up" games. I was also, like Walt Michaels (Get it, Walt Mitty) extremely shy and bashful, but trouble seemed to find me.

So if you want to buy Walt Michaels is a  Weenie, click below.

Check out Walt Michaels, a really fun read.

And here's that crossbyte:

Intelligence and good looks untempered by compassion are simply another form of arrogance. #crossbytes

Asking for opinions, also a new link to my book.

Try me: Walt Michaels is a Weenie


I think the link to purchase my book has changed. Any way, you can get to it through the above link. I have been thinking about doing some more self publishing, and I'd hoped to get a little feedback from people who know me.

The stuff I write does not fit neatly into any one category so that is one reason why I have lately considered turning to self publishing some of the weirder things I have written. I once published a book called Dark Woods, which is basically a faith-based horror story.  I know; sounds like an oxymoron. I also wrote a screenplay for it which was almost -- when I say almost, I mean came down to where we were negotiating price -- produced. I had a director and everything, but the man was from Canada and he felt like he was being called into another ministry.  This has been the story of my life.

If you have ever read anything by Frank Peretti, you would get a clue as to what Dark Woods would resemble. In the story, a teenager uses his own faith and the support of a very strong Christian girl to defeat a group of Satanists. My question is do you think there is a market out there somewhere for YA horror novels with a Christian slant?

I would appreciate any feedback you cared to give me. Email me at thecrosses@hotmail.com or message me on facebook or twitter.

Thanks.

Baseball tradition

I know more people watch football-- and basketball too, I'm guessing. And certainly, across the world many more people watch football/soccer, but there is something special about baseball. I think it's tradition. At this very moment the World Series is going on, and the Chicago Cubs are in it, the same Cubs who haven't won the World Series since 1908. They are playing the Cleveland Indians who haven't won a World Series since sometime in the 1940's.

There's a lot to be said for tradition. Picture this if you will. My grandpa with one eye completely clouded over in white from a cataract, reaching for one of his cigarette papers, filling it with Prince Albert tobacco, rolling it up, and licking the ends together. He strikes a stick match on a very old pot-bellied wood stove and lights his cigarette. He takes a drag -- dramatic pause -- and then he says. "Did I ever tell you about the time that Pepper Martin..."

He had told me, many times before, but I didn't mind hearing it again. The gashouse gang, Babe Ruth, and Lou Gehrig were my grandpa's heroes.  My Dad grew up with Stan Musial and the other Cardinal greats of the 40's and 50's. For me it was Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, Curt Flood, Orlando Cepeda and others. I have clear memories of the Cardinals World Series games in 1967 and 1968, and then there was the drought of the 70's. Then 1982. And so on.

Even when my dad and I have nothing else to talk about, we can talk about baseball and what the Cardinals are doing right and what they are doing wrong. Watching Cardinal baseball was also one of the most important things in helping my wife get through breast cancer and chemotherapy. We still watch almost every game together even after they do something stupid and we say we'll never watch them again.

Some of the greatest moments of my life have been associated with baseball and also some of the worst. I went to a game and saw both Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa hit a home run, and then there was the summer after my sixth grade year when I made the little league team, and the coach never put me into a single game. I was crushed because I had every intention of growing up to be a major league baseball player.

Because of my love for the game, I made baseball, or in this case, softball a central part of the book. Most of the baseball moments in the book came strictly from my own warped imagination except for one. 

I actually did hit a softball off a girl named Rhonda's forehead. She was a tough country girl who played most sports as well as all the guys did, and it didn't hurt her, but it sure made me feel guilty. I don't actually remember if she threw me out at first base or not, but I'd like to imagine I was safe.

If you are a baseball fan or just a fan of being a kid, you'll like Walt Michaels is a Weenie.  Give it a try. The price is right.

Click here to check out Walt Michaels and to get a free preview.

I know what it's like to be a bully, and I don't like it.

I don't bully people despite the fact that I have been bullied many times in my life. I know some people say this is a part of growing up, but I think those people are full of crap. I know what bullying did to me.  There is another reason why I don't bully. In sixth grade, I learned how it felt to be a bully, and I didn't like it.

Of course, Walt Michaels is a Weenie, has a bully in it. His name is Chad, but he gets his comeuppance. When I bullied, I did not get my comeuppance. In fact I didn't even get in trouble. Here's how it happened.

There was a kid -- I'm not going to give his name -- who was a preacher's son. He was annoying as heck, but he still didn't deserve what I did to him. Everyone picked on this kid. You have seen the type of kid that just seems to attract bullies. I once heard of a chicken pecking party. Chickens spot a flaw or something in a fellow chicken and they gang up on him/her and peck it to pieces.  The preacher's kid was pecked to pieces all of the time.

One day, during recess, I pushed him down. I don't know why I decided to join the chickens that day because I usually didn't. However, he didn't stay on the ground. He jumped up and took a swing at me. Now, my manhood was threatened. I knocked him down in one or two punches, and I can even remember sitting on his back while he cowered like a turtle and punching him from underneath his body. I hit him a couple more times and then got off him. He had a bloody mouth and nose.

He jumped up and screamed that he was going to tell on me and ran to the teacher. I didn't cry, but my eyes watered from guilt. I really wasn't even hurt. I remember a girl that I admired saying, "Why are you crying? You beat the s**t out of him." What I felt at that moment was shame and guilt. I was also embarrassed that I could not bask in the glory of my playground victory.

When we faced the teacher, I don't even remember what excuse I gave, but I do remember that the preacher's kid broke down in long, racking sobs and starting screaming that everyone hated him because he was a preacher's kid and that everybody picked on him. I felt deeply ashamed of myself. The teacher made us shake hands and apologize to each other. Those were the only consequences I received at all for my behavior. How many times have you seen a bully suffer no consequences for his behavior?

I went home and told my mom that I had gotten into a fight. I told her because somehow I believed that she, with her mother e.s.p., would somehow discover it anyway and I would be in even worse trouble for not telling her. The thing is though, when I told her, I lied. I told her that the preacher's kid was picking on my friend. Mom said that the fight in that particular case was justifiable. This, of course, made me feel even more guilty than I did before. As far as I know, Mom believed that lie until she died. I'd forgotten I'd even lied to her until it came up in a conversation I had with the mom of the friend I supposedly took up for after my mom died.

I don't think I ever bullied another kid. I still remember the incident, and I still remember how ugly I felt after the incident. There's just something about those sixth grade experiences that stick with a person.This one helped to shape me in ways that I have only begun to understand.

I'm still pushing my book. There's a link for you below.

For a free preview of Walt Michaels is a weenie, click me.

The Great Valentine's Day Disaster

The sixth grade was most likely the pivotal point of my life, and I guess that's where Walt Michaels is a Weenie came from. In some ways sixth grade, at least in America, is the last really fun school year that a person has. In other ways, it is the most confusing too.  Weird things start happening to people. I know. I was there.

Before I talk about one particular incident that left a mark on me in sixth grade, I would like to mention something about Walt Michaels is a Weenie. Most people don't know that I wrote a screenplay version of the novel too, and it was actually quite good. (Not good enough to sell to anyone, but still quite good.) I entered the screenplay into a screenplay contest called Exposurama. It was their second annual contest. I actually finished in the top 100 of the contest. The most exciting thing is that I finished in the top ten in the comedy category of the contest. I'd like to say that this contest wasn't for kid films. It was for all kinds of screenplays, and I finished in the top 100 overall and the top 10 in comedy. I was pretty proud of myself because it showed me that anyone could enjoy this story.

I had great plans for the series. I wrote another book called Rosetta Stone Diaries which featured a girl who is very much like Walt, an average, fairly geeky kid who gets into trouble but who has big dreams.

I write characters like this because this is the kind I can relate to. I was very much a geek from about sixth grade to my sophomore year in college. Some still think I'm a geek.

Ah, but back to sixth grade. Come on; admit it. Sixth grade was a turning point in your life too. I have several vivid memories of that time. One in particular didn't actually make it into the book because it was painful literally and figuratively. I remember the day. It was Friday, February 13, 1970. That's right Friday the 13th.  Back then we still had school parties for all the big holidays. Ours was supposed to happen after the third recess. (Do kids still get recess?) One of my friends -- he was a big guy whom we called bam bam -- pushed me. He didn't really have a reason, and I don't think he was deliberately being mean though the incident did hurt my feelings. I fell backward, and when I hit the ground, my right wrist snapped. The big bone was broken cleanly in two.

I missed my Valentine's Day Party which included all the Valentines and the cupcakes, soda, and candy. Bam Bam apologized profusely and felt guilty for a long time. As I said though, I didn't really hold it against him because we were friends. Sometimes kids get rough and do stupid things.  What's really sad is that Bam Bam died of a massive heart attack when he still was very young.

The only good thing that came out of my broken arm was the cool cast that everyone in the sixth grade signed.

Walt Michaels is a book filled with incidents that just happen to kids, ones which they sometimes bring on themselves and ones which sometimes just happen. It's a wonder we survived sixth grade.

This is the site where you can read a sample of Walt Michaels and/or buy it. I would appreciate your support and your feedback. I need to decide if I am going to let Walt fade away or if I'm going to carry his story on into the seventh grade. I think I'll have Rosetta Stone join him in the seventh grade if I keep writing the story.

Walt Michaels is a Weenie

Walt Michaels is a Weenie

A few years ago, I wrote a really funny middle grade novel book called Walt Michaels is a Weenie. It got some good reviews for a little while, but when the contract ran out, I got the rights to the book back. I am experimenting with self publishing some of the books I have previously published to see if anything comes of it. I'm inviting all who read this to read a free preview of the novel, and if you life what you've read to order it. It's pretty inexpensive, and I know it will make you laugh.  Have I ever lied to you before?

If you like Sandlot or Diary of a Wimpy Kid, you'll like Walt Michaels is a Weenie.

https://www.amazon.com/Walt-Michaels-Weenie-Steven-Cross-ebook/dp/B01MQ0CMPF/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477433873&sr=8-1&keywords=walt+michaels+is+a+weenie

                                         New York City skyline from a ferry a few years back

I am calmer today. I felt pretty frantic and depressed yesterday. Today, I feel 100% better. I'm medicated and this still happens to me.  Imagine, if you will, being bipolar and not being medicated and having to deal with incredible ups and downs all the time. Untreated bipolars are more likely to commit suicide than any other mentally ill people. Sad but true.  I'm not here to talk about my illness today because as I said I feel pretty good.

I have finally been able to get into my Blackboard program and start doing lesson plans for my two classes. I was a bit frantic about all of it. I updated the stuff I was supposed to update, even have played with the program and added some of my own stuff into it. I need to find out if all of my dual-credit, ITV students have the same texts as they do at the main campus. I am good for week one, but after that, if they don't have the same resources, I will have to make some adjustments. I can do that if I need to, but I'm hoping they all have what they need because it will make things so much easier.

Another reason I am happy is that I have decided to go back to my writing roots. I have a play I want to write, one like the genre that seems to be very popular with high school drama groups these days. The mashup. My play is going to be about King Arthur looking for his queen in Chanted, the Enchanted Kingdom where Merlin sent him. He meets all kinds of princesses there, Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Cinderella, and I think maybe Goldilocks. It's a comedy and should be fun to write if I can still be funny. I am also thinking about writing a younger YA book with humor in it, kind of like a ninth grade Eleanor and Park. I'm not giving up on Dean Knight. I will continue to query agents, but I still need to think realistically. It's a very bleak novel and some people might not want to publish it.

I am going out to feed my dog Ginger. I'll write again after the school year starts to let everyone know if this old, semi-retired fart can still motivate a class to write well.

Retirement so far

Just in case some of you are getting tired of the hot weather. Just think.  This is coming.

I have been more relaxed than I have ever been since I retired, almost to the point of slothfulness -- if that is a word.  Slothfulness as I recall is one of the seven deadly sins. I don't get that from the Bible. I think I got it from the musical Camelot.

I think you learn a lot about yourself when you retire, and it's an important crossroads in your life. You can get all depressed and just kind of sit around waiting to die or you can do something with the time you have left. I have a history of bipolar disorder, so I think it would be easy for me to sit around and do nothing except play on social media all day. I am going to fight that inclination. For one, I am going to teach some classes for Three Rivers Community College in Poplar Bluff. Even though we have a good retirement as teachers, we don't have free medical insurance any more, and I can assure you that it is expensive.  My teaching will keep me busy and help with our budget.

I am a writer also, but right now, I don't really have anything out there. Booktrope went under so you can't buy Fall of Knight anymore, and so far, I have been unable to get an agent to represent my other work. I have hit a creative wall and have lately not felt like writing anything. Why does freelance writing have to always be a waiting game?  You wait and wait and wait, and then, you get a rejection because there are millions of other people with better connections, who live where they need to, and yes, perhaps even write better than you. One of the books I read this summer was Gone Girl. As I read it, I kept thinking to myself that I will never be able to write like her. There are many people out there I will never be able to write like. So, I ask myself if I need to reinvent myself as a writer, try something different, maybe a different genre.  I know what my favorite kind of books and movies are; maybe I should write something like them. I don't know. I have started a play, which is similar to the plays I have published at Brooklyn. If I can finish it, I think I can publish it, but I'm not for sure.

Meanwhile, some other things are going on to keep me busy and a little anxious. My daughter and son-in-law are expecting their first child, our first grand baby. We have recently moved to a new town and are getting used to it. Some other stuff going down, but I won't bore you with details.

Finally, I think about my author platform. People have told me I need to have a blog, I need to be on social media, and I need to keep up with technology. I do have a blog, but people don't read it. I know the reason they don't read it is because it is all over the place. My blog is about everything. I don't know how to specialize. I think it's because I don't know enough about anything.

So, my major question as it always is, "What am I going to try to write and publish?" I may be too old to get anything published anymore, but what I am thinking about are high school plays, some screenplays, and maybe some middle grade humor. I am not going to break into YA, I've about decided. I've been rejected too many times. My wounded pride can't take it. My minor question is, If I ever decide to quit writing, what will I do to fill in the time? I'm afraid if I just said, I quit, I will be hit with a tsunami of guilt about all the years I've wasted trying to write when I should have done something else.

I am a bit freaked out.

I was probably 35 or 36 when the picture above was taken. Add 20+ years and you get me today. My daughter is now 24 and expecting her first child. I have retired from teaching. That's why I am a bit freaked out. I'm almost as freaked out by the number of people from Russia who read my blog. I still haven't figured that one out. I can tell you that I have never felt more relaxed than I do right now. Teaching was the love of my life -- or so I thought -- and I'm sure I am going to miss the kids terribly, but when it comes right down to it, there are so many more things about teaching that I will not miss, not in the least. These are the things that caused me so much stress I am surprised I could bear them.  It has not helped that throughout my life I have been victimized by bipolar disorder. My meds pretty much keep it under control, but they do not cure it, and there are still days when I wake up depressed for no reason whatsoever. You can't explain that to people.  They just want to tell you the same old cliches, "Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps," "Think about all the good things you have more often and you won't be depressed," "Be patient and it will go away." I could rant about the ignorance people have about mental illness but that's not what I'm here for tonight.

I am just updating you all, giving you a glimpse into my life so to speak.  No, that will be too boring. I am writing again. The creativity is flowing for right now like it has not done for a long time. Naturally, that has me drowning in delusions of grandeur. I am querying several agents and I just know that one at least will take me on as a client. The trouble is, I have thought this many times before and it has never happened. I am in a manic phase at the moment, but I know that sooner or later, most likely sooner, the depressive phase will kick in, and all I'll want to do is sleep and/or eat. I will withdraw into a shell and not come out until it passes. I am actually surprised that I am not already in a state of depression. Today is the last day of my current publisher's existence. My novel Fall of Knight will disappear from Amazon. I will get the rights returned to me, and I'm hoping that someone will pick up it and the sequel which I've nearly finished. I am the eternal optimist unless I'm depressed.

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog or not, but I'm thinking if anyone is interested, I could put in little excerpts of the sequel to Fall of Knight and get some feedback from people. Since I've been blogging I've had over 20,000 people read or at least look at this. It might be nice to hear what you think about my book.

Time to Reflect

I have four more days with my seniors and 11 total before I retire from teaching forever. I know you are never supposed to use absolutes like never and forever, but I think I can make an exception this time. I'm about to start on a brand new journey. I don't know how long it will last but I know that my next major destination will be death, but I think I have lived a good life really.  I won't miss all of the hassle of teaching, the bureaucracy and the paperwork, but I will most definitely miss my students, even the ornery ones.  My plan is to attempt to write full time and actually make a living out of it, but just as I always have, I have a couple of backups if the first one doesn't work, and there's no reason to think it will because it hasn't yet. I think I would need Divine interventions. Yes, I do believe in divine interventions, but I don't know if the Almighty is interested in whether or not I can make money off my writing. We have our pensions, which are not bad at all, but the thing is, most people like us are always just one major illness away from being so far in debt you might as well bury us in it. I sent a query to Bloomsbury Sparks publishing program. Now that Booktrope has folded I would like to get the book out again since the rights revert back to me. I'm hoping that they will like it so much that they also will get the second one and do it in hardback first, then paperback, and then sell movie rights to it. One can dream. My backup plan, which I'll have to admit I'm not quite sure about, involves being an official scorer for SAT. I can do that part time to add to my income. The most exciting thing about my retirement is that I am going to be a grandpa. I will spoil that child rotten. Well, I had written in five months, so I figured it was probably time to update. I'll write again.

The Times They Are a 'changing

I am not sure when these two photos of me were taken. I'm guessing the one on the right was when I was at Mineral Area College. The one on the left when I was in high school maybe. Time has flown by in my life until this July I will be 58 years old. I know that isn't really old, but it is old enough for someone to drop dead unexpectedly or to develop serious health problems. I have luckily avoided serious health issues to date, which doesn't mean I am in good physical condition.  If I stay on my current course, I will begin to break down. But that's not why I am writing here.

I want to talk about the inevitability of change. I have tried to avoid much change in my life because it unsettles me -- a lot. I want the assurance that life will be relatively the same tomorrow as it was today, but unfortunately, I've learned that it doesn't work that way most of the time. I think I really learned that when my mom died, suddenly and unexpectedly. She was alive one night and then dead a few hours later. I think I've realized it even more as I've watched other people grow old. I've never thought of myself as being old, but I'm getting that way. I'm beyond middle age now. So I am seeing some changes in my life.

This is my last year of teaching school. My wife and I are retiring and we are going to be moving to Springfield. I have lived in either Iron or St. Francois county my entire life except for a year or so in Boonville. For most of that time I've been teaching. This is my 32nd year. Retiring is scary. We will have a decent income compared to most retirees but it will be nothing like what we have grown used to. And then there's always the chance that some kind of catastrophic health issue would come up. So you see, for the first time in forever, I don't know quite what my future will hold. I will not be going back into a classroom this coming August. I will not be driving 35 miles to work every morning. My world will be different.

There are some other things that I am thinking about. I rejoice at the idea of retiring even though it is a little scary, but I rejoice at other news too. I've learned recently I am going to be a grandpa. My wife and I are thrilled about that. I'll be the best grandpa in the world. I can finally enjoy writing full time and trying to make some income off that, but I'm guessing that isn't likely to happen or else it would have happened by now. I have just finished a screenplay that might be good. Hollywriting though is so hard to beak into. I have no connections and no track record. That probably means I have no hope. Lancelot will be coming out soon, and then, I'll be able to start working on the sequel to Fall of Knight.

So, I know things are going to change, but as Neil Young says, "I can't tell bad or good."  I guess as is the rule for most of life -- a little of both.