Friday, March 17, 2023

Anxiety Attacks: Unless you've had one, you have no idea.

 I have heard people say to people who have anxiety attacks such things as: just get over it, it can't be that bad, just relax, don't make such a big deal about it. I know because I used to say the same thing. Then I had several. I am lucky because mine were caused by a medication I was taking, and once I stopped taking the medication, mine got better. I still have anxiety occasionally, and I worry -- it gets bad, but as bad as it is, it is nothing like an anxiety attack. I have to qualify this by saying that what I am about to describe are the anxiety attacks I had. I don't know if they are all the same, but I. believe people who suffer from them share at least some of these characteristics.

Anxiety attacks are horrible, worse than horrible, but that's the only word I can think of right now to describe it.  Every negative emotion floods into your mind all at once, and for me, the biggest was an absolute terror of death, Your mind is so full of bad things that could happen, but it's worse than worry. It isn't just a fear of bad things; it's terror. It's a constant swirling of worst-case scenarios, a constant questioning of everything and everyone. It makes it hard to breathe and your heart thunders in your chest,  And you can forget sleeping.

It's like all those negative emotions assail you at the same time and constantly throw rocks at you, injuring you all over. But you can't get away from them until the attack mercifully ends. Imagine your worst moments, and imagine feeling them over and over again. This is what an anxiety attack is like. We all have bad bad experiences, but with anxiety attacks, the bad experiences occur over and over again ... even if people think it's exaggerated or it's a personal weakness. I've had cancer, and even though I am in remission, I fear it will come back. Even when a person with anxiety attacks feels better, he or she knows that they will come back. It's not just a fear; it's a certainty.

And sometimes that fear is like an invitation. It opens the door for another attack. An anxiety attack can strike at any time, but when it does, it strikes hard and makes everyday functioning almost impossible, but it gets especially acute when your guard is down, when your mind is not busy with everyday activities and duties.  The really bad thing is that the attack and surviving it are all you can think about, and that focus makes it spiral out of control even worse.  Sometimes, I think the only thing that can give you relief is that you reach a point of mental and emotional exhaustion. 

The most terrible thing is that an anxiety attack can strike you at any time or any place, and often there is no rhyme or reason to you. It's like it is the world's worst bully, hitting you whenever it wants to, and you can't do a thing about it.  Not only does it hit you when it wants to, but it will also hit you over and over again.

No one, I mean no one can understand an anxiety attack unless they have had one. I'm bipolar 2, which is mostly characterized by depression, but no depressive episode hit me as hard as the anxiety attacks I had. I'm fortunate because I don't have many anymore, but I will never forget the ones I had no matter how much I would like to.



Sunday, May 30, 2021

Crossbyte contemplation #9. There are so many paths ... Little River Band

 

"Up the mountain, but the view from the top is still the same ..."

is the rest of that lyric. I consider myself compassionate and caring though many people who know me would say that is a weakness. People throw around the concepts of heaven and hell and toss people up or down depending on their judgments of them. I think a lot of people have relegated me to hell because of my beliefs. I don't really care what they believe and I could, but I won't, give a litany of all the things I've done which I think have benefitted people who have come to know me, who have attended the same churches as I, and who, I say this sadly, used to be my friends. I'm not going to do that because I don't believe that our heavenly rewards depend on what we have done. I think it depends on what God has done for us. However, I am not going to make this a religious argument because that is not my point. 

Mountains can be symbols for triumph, "I've been to the mountaintop" or they can be symbols for trial and tribulation. I firmly believe that there are many ways to the mountaintop. Some of them we do to and for ourselves and some, other people do to or for us. I guess my point is that my way of life -- my path to the mountaintop is not the same as yours -- and I don't necessarily want to use the same way as you because then I'm always following someone else's footsteps and not my own. I don't have to do things the way you do. I don't have to believe the way you do, and you are certainly not the one to judge whether my path is right or not.

I'm angry about a lot of things, and sometimes my anger is like a poison that destroys my view of the mountain and obscures my path so badly that I just get lost. Even now as I write this and think about people and comments I have read or heard, I feel that poisonous anger rise up. You know, I'm too old for this crap. 

I have strayed from my original intent to talk about how we all have our ways of life, but then I slipped into the "Why the hell do I let other people get to me when they try to tell me my way is not the right way, or my thoughts shouldn't be "Thunked," or my path will lead to hell?

Every single one of us walks a different way. 

You know. I don't think many people look forward to the fact that we all have the same view once we get to the mountaintop.  They're too busy trying to push people off the path.

Rant over.

p.s. Some of you may know that my new book, Drifting, has just come out. It is the sequel to Drowning but you can read it and enjoy it without having read the other one.

It's dark, but it's always darkest before the dawn. If anyone would want to buy it, you can click on the link below. If anyone has any questions or wants to discuss it, you can contact me.

Where you can get Drifting.

May your journey lead you to the peace and beauty of the mountaintop.



Monday, May 24, 2021

Virtual Book Tour and Gift certificate Giveaway for my YA contemporary novel Drifting.

 https://elainepcantrell.blogspot.com/


You can go to these sites and get all of the information you need on Drifting. You can also sign up to win a $25 gift certificate.

Drifting is an important young adult book to me, my best book ever, and very personal to me. It is about the traumas that young people face: assault, bullying, mental illness. I taught for over 30 years, and I can tell you first hand that teens have it tough. I also know from personal experience. Check out the book. I would appreciate the support.

Drifting is the sequel to Drowning, but it can be read as a standalone.





Sunday, May 23, 2021

I Am Actually an Introvert, but ...

 I am an introverted person and an introverted writer. I don't like to brag about my work because I hope that the writing speaks for itself.  I have a different mindset tonight. The sequel to my novel Drowning is coming out this week. Drowning was the best thing I've ever done ... until this book, Drifting came along. The story isn't what I'd call pretty. It is a young adult contemporary novel that covers the dark parts of being an adolescent. It covers bullying, mental illness, dysfunctional families, and some other things. However, the whole point of the series is that if people have good support systems they can survive and thrive. People also need to know that help is available.  I wrote from personal experience in these novels. I, myself am bipolar, and I experienced a lot of bullying when I was growing up. If not for family, friends, students, and doctors I would most likely not be alive today.  So one of the things I've chosen to do with my life is to tell people that they are not alone.  And you're not. Help is available even if you do not have family and friends to support you. Please don't try to go it alone.

I'm not going to beg you to buy my book, but I am going to invite you to join me on my virtual book tour. Click on this link to get further information:

https://bibliomanaicaza.wordpress.com/2021/05/23/book-blast-giveaway-drifting-by-steven-m-cross/



Monday, May 17, 2021

The Knight Has Ended


 The preorder links are


I am saying goodbye to an old friend who has been a big part of my life for about seven years. Dean Knight is the protagonist of the two novels pictured above. Dean has a mental illness, and bullies have targeted him for years. Drifting is the final book of the duo-logy. (Not sure if that's how you write it.) It is the best thing I have ever written. The person who formatted the book at my publishers thanked me for writing it and told me it was a powerful story and an amazing read. Her words moved me, and I hope that the book will make its way to your bookshelf and it will move you.

The biggest thing I would tell people who believe they might be depressed or have a mental illness is to go to see a doctor. It's no shame. I'm bipolar, and I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 25 years or so. I would have either killed myself, been killed, or died in a horrible accident before now had I not gone to a doctor and started taking medication. Another thing I would say to both people who have a mental illness and their friends and family, is that sometimes a strong support system is the only thing that will save a person. These are the messages that I hope Drifting gives to all who read it.

I haven't written in this for a long time, but I'm not going to try to make up for it all in one entry. I'll just tell you that I keep on keeping on. I have had both of my Covid shots and I'm thrilled that things are opening up a little bit. I will still wear my mask on certain occasions.

I also would mention that my wife and I have finally found an inclusive church, one that accepts everyone. It is small which is disheartening. I hope that it's small numbers are because we live in a pretty small city and not that there are too many people who are not inclusive.

I'm still writing. Not so much books anymore, but I'm doing some screenplays. I have optioned one and sold another.

I'll write more at some other time, but right now, I will leave you with this.

There are times when the only way to find ourselves is to walk alone.

Friday, October 16, 2020

Crossbyte Contemplation #8 "That bein' kind can hurt someone sometimes" REO Speedwagon

I've labeled this a contemplation. I am an introvert which means basically I am lost in my own head most of the time. If you're not an introvert, you probably have trouble believing people do that. Or maybe you see introverts and your impression of them is that they are aloof or arrogant.  Maybe even snobbish.

What is actually happening to introverts is that we are tryig to sort through a whirlwind of thoughts. You've heard the expression that someone is overthinking something. Introverts do this all of the time. Thinking in and of itself is not a bad thing, but to me, it is exhausting because I don't think in a logical, rational way. I think by association which means that one thing makes me think of something else which makes me think of something else -- it's kind of like getting lost in links on the Internet, but the Internet does have a home button. I can't always find mine. Maybe a better allusion would be it's like the old pinball machines. The ball zooms all over the place and it hits things and pings everytime it does.

A few days ago, I was reading a pretty deep philosophical book written by Linda Seger who is not only one of the best screenplay consultants around, but she is also a deeply spiritual woman. The book was entitled, Spiritual Steps on the Road to Success: Gaining the Goal Without Losing Your Soul. I recommend this book to everyone even if you don't consider yourself spiritual.

This is my second of what will probably be many more times reading it. As I read it, I get all kinds of insights. It's like the pinging in my head. Every time I read something that connects, I think about how awesome it is. Then, after I finish reading a chapter or two and the inspiration of the moment leaves me, I think, What did I just read? I can sometimes pull out a main point or two, but when I start trying to put it all together, it doesn't work. It's like finishing a game of pinball and not knowing what your score was.

As I thought of this, my mind shifted to music. I'm not sure why. I thought how one musical chord no matter how beautiful does not make a complete song. I guess since I was reading a spiritual book, my mind shifted to kind deeds and how one kind deed every once in a while doesn't make a kind person. Just like in music, one chord doesn't make a song. If you aren't kind most of the time, then you might as well not be kind at all.

Let me explain what I mean. Sometimes a kind word doesn't mean anything if it doesn't happen much.  In fact, a kind word once in a while just makes it worse when the harsh ones come back. Think about it; someone says 9 mean things to you and then 1 kind thing. Immediately your guard goes up. I don't trust the one kind thing at all. With unkind people, what will usually follow the one kind word is a whole bunch on unkind things. Those unkind things absolutely crush a person's self esteem. It's like a dog that hangs around someone who beats them because every once in a while the person gives them a treat.

The results of being unkind to someone echo through the years. A person who has been treated badly whether by bullies, abusive partners, or any abusive person in positions of power never loses those wounds. They can do great things nine times in a row, but when they mess up one time, that's all they think about. I'm that kind of person. I can have one really bad experience and forget the 100 good ones that I had before it.

Even when someone tells you, you've done a good job, but ... all you can think about is, "I wasn't good enough."

Seger talks a lot about writers in her book.  Introverts frequently take up writing, but in some cases it's the worst thing they can do. In writing, rejection hits you far more times than acceptance does, and even when something good happens, you can't rejoice much because you know that rejection is right around the corner.

Maybe that's why I found myself reading Linda Seger's book. Maybe I have begun to feel like I'm losing my soul because I don't have the success I want to have (though I probably couldn't define what success to me as a writer would consist of.) Maybe, I needed to go back to what success should mean.

Anyway, I've circled back now. I wanted to talk about the insight I got out of reading Seger's book. 

One musical chord, though beautiful, can not make a beautiful song

                                        just like only

One kind word does not make a beautiful person.

#crossybte

I hope you are kind all the time to those who need it the most: the weird, the homely, the odd, the poor, the destitute, the lost, the sick, and all of the people who need a kind word, well, more than one kind word. It hurts more if one kind word is followed by nine bad ones than if there are ten unkind ones. 




Monday, October 12, 2020

If you're interested, here is an outline template for planning your screenplay, play, or novel.


 I am a dyed-in-the-wool, irredeemable pantser when it comes to my writing. I pick a place and start writing, and much like just walking into the woods without a compass, I get lost.  I don't know how many partially finished manuscripts I have on dust-covered (Metaphorically) computer files. If I got rid of all of them, my memory on my computer would go up a whole gigabyte I bet.

My reading for my writing craft, much like my writing, is scattered, unorganized. I will pick up a how-to book and read a few pages, perhaps even highlight all over the pages so that there is very little unhighlighted material. Then, when I go back and look at the book again, I might as well read the whole thing over again. Like my documents, many of the how-to writing books I have are only partially finished. I've found some stashed in old bookshelves like worn-out underwear stashed in a rag bag. My wife says they make the best dust rags.

I have read a lot, as sporadic as it is. I have also soaked up some of the things I read. Still, when I look at all of these books on structure --everything from Save the Cat to the Snowflake Method -- I am slightly overwhelmed, well, more than slightly.

I always tell my writing students that in research they need to take material from several different sources and make it into one coherent document. Well, this teacher became a student and did the same thing. I came up with a four-page, fill in the blanks, template that I can use to plan my own writing.

This is a video I made explaining it. If anyone thinks it could work for them, let me know by sending me an email at thecrosses@gmail.com and I will send you a copy, either pages or word, that you can type right into.

Thursday, October 8, 2020

YOU WOULD THINK POLITICIANS WOULD ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO DEBATE

 


It embarrasses me that politicians and news outlets don't know how to conduct an actual meaningful debate. If there are any competitive debaters out there, correct me if I say anything wrong here. This is how I remember it.

First, both parties agree to the debate rules. If the rules are followed, there is NO reason why this debate can't be done virtually. First, in a real debate, both sides are given the same question or proposal. I did not like the different questions for different people. That lends itself to political bias. Well, maybe it doesn't matter because both candidates talked around the issues without answering the questions that were actually asked not once but several times.

We all know what the major topics are: the economy, COVID, the supreme court, international relationships, taxes. Every candidate should get the same question. In a real debate, the question is posed. First person responds, second person responds. If they talk over the limit or they talk over the other person, they are penalized or disqualified. Now, I think the modern equivalent of that is turning off the microphone.

If I recall correctly, there is some time for participants to prepare for rebuttals. During this preparation time, an objective fact-checker should be allowed to speak. It would need to be someone each side can agree on which is probably impossible, so maybe you could get one conservative and one liberal to do this job. Of course, that leaves out moderates like me.

Then, you have rebuttals. Then you have a follow up to the rebuttals. Then, you go on to the next question. The order of response is changed. The person who went first on the first question goes second. This switches each time. At the end of the debate, each person gets a final time to reaffirm their positions on the topic. They are not allowed to add new information or try to rebut again. If they do, then the microphones should be turned off. Allow the other person to talk. Give the first person another chance to do what they are supposed to. If they don't, shut them off and not allow them to talk anymore. You break the rules a first time, you get a second chance. You break the rules a second time, you take the consequences.

Some of you might say that this will take forever, but the truth of the matter is that if the candidates are forced to meet the time limits, a whole lot of time would be saved. As far as I'm concerned if you can't abide by these rules, you are either afraid or you have nothing of substance to say.

There's another thing I've noticed about the debates. Both parties, at times, do not answer the question they are asked. They should get a time penalty. If you don't answer, the first time you get 15 seconds taken off your time. If you're supposed to talk for 2 minutes, your mic gets cut off at 1:45. If it happens a second time, you get a minute taken off. When that time is over, your mic gets muted. That would force them to actually talk about the issues.



Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Crossbyte Contemplation #7: “Manic Depression is Capturing My Soul,” Jimi Hendrix





I don’t know if you need this or not, but I thought I might give you a little insight into a manic depressive’s mind — now called bipolar disorder. In my case, bipolar 2 with fewer bouts of the destructive mania you might think about when you think of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder 2, has lower highs (How’s that for an oxymoron.) It tends to manifest itself in greater depression. 


I’m not writing this, by the way, to make you feel sorry for me. I want to give you some insight into the way my bipolar affects me.


A few days ago, I just woke up depressed. There was no reason for it. Nothing bad had happened. It was one of those days. Even though I take medication, I still have days when something is out of whack and I am depressed.


I tend to think of my life as roles that I have been given — only the movie is real. I have a father role, a grandfather role, an educator role, a writer role, a husband role — the list goes on. Usually when I get down, it is related to my idea that I am failing in one of my roles.


Two of the roles that are the most chaotic for me are my role as writer and as a believer.


Like most bipolar sufferers, I sometimes have delusions of grandeur which means basically that I think me or my work is a whole lot better than what it actually is. When these delusions are bad, I mistakenly think I can do anything that I set my mind to.


Recently, I wrote a “short,” a screenplay which is not nearly as long as a “feature.” A feature runs about 120 pages whereas a short runs anywhere from 5-30 pages. Three producers wanted to look at it. Three.


“This is it,” I thought. “This will be my ship coming in.” Every time I feel like “this” (whatever this is) is it, my failure voice says, “No, it isn’t.”


I’ll even pray sometime, thinking that God will drop whatever I want right into my lap. Turns out I received another hope-crushing rejection from one producer. What really upsets me is that I think it was a “bait and switch tactic” all along. Producer says, “I’ll take a look at your script.” Then it gets sent back, “This is not really what I’m looking for.  I could give you some detailed notes.” Usually, this is a more appealing way of saying, “Pay me some money, and I’ll tell you what I think.”


Did I mention this was a soul-crushing rejection? My believer role often reacts with a comment like this, “God, why did you get my hopes up?” Then, I start to wonder if maybe my faith isn’t strong enough — If I could believe just a little bit harder. From there, my self-esteem voice kicks in. “God didn’t do it. Your writing just sucks. Why are you such a failure? Why can’t you do anything right? Are you deluding yourself by actually thinking you’re great?


It’s right around this time that I crash, and I can be depressed for days. Then, the depression begins to lift a little. I think, well maybe the producer just doesn’t appreciate real talent. The delusion cycle kicks. I think my manuscript can’t help but succeed. When the next rejections comes along, the cycle continues. I have to pick myself off the floor again.


Delusion, elation, rejection, confusion and then finally, depression. Over and over again. Imagine that if you can. This is my life.


The thing is. I have had incredible moments of success with my writing. I’ve published stories, articles, plays, books and have even optioned a screenplay. This is more than most writers do in a lifetime. And two producers still have my script. One of those two might want it. I don’t see that. All I see is the rejection. I am in the absolute worst thing for bipolar disorder. 90% of what you’re doing gets rejected. The percentage is even higher for screenplays, especially for an older writer who lives in Missouri rather than Hollywood.


When a failure comes along,  I no longer remember the successes. My medication helps me some, but medication is a treatment not a cure.


Sunday, August 2, 2020

"Take a Look at Yourself". by Uriah Heep. What I wish I could tell my 13 year old self.

"Hey, little Stevie. This is big Stevie. You at 62."

"So I live that long?"

"Yeah, but you can't take life for granted. I survived cancer and believed I could die at any time."

"But if I live that long, I don't have to worry about death for a long time. Cool."

"I wish it were that easy. One of your friends is going to kill himself soon. Not only should you not take your life for granted; you shouldn't take others'. One-third of the great commandment is to love your neighbor. Pay attention to people. Communicate with them. Get your head out of yourself and pay attention to others in case they're having a hard time. You're going to find people your whole life who need encouragement or help."

"What can I do to stop people from hurting themselves?"

"Sometimes nothing. Sometimes everything. The thing is, if you're not aware, then you won't ever get the chance to help someone. Then you have to deal with the guilt. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what you should have done. In all things, do your best not to harm others with words or deeds. And if you do something wrong, don't beat yourself up forever. Everyone does something wrong."

"If I'm good to others, they'll be good to me." Little Stevie smiles.

"I wish it were that easy. People are going to bully you for no reason. It will be hard, but you can't let them ruin your self-esteem. Another part of the great command is to love yourself. I can assure you. You can and will do great things."

"That'll show them." Little Stevie balls up his fist and pounds his palm.

"No, it won't. They'll likely forget all about you even though you can never forget them. Do things not to get back at others, but to fulfill your dreams. Even if you ever manage to get back at someone, it won't be satisfying."

"At least I have my church." Little Steve pulls out his cross chain and smiles radiantly.

"Well, little Stevie, your church is a cult. It does make you feel special, but it is rife with hypocrisy. Unfortunately, several churches are."

"To hell with them then."

"Here's a problem, Little Stevie. If your faith depends on a church, it's not faith. Don't give up your faith. You almost did, you know. There's a place out there for you, but you'll never find it if you condemn them all to hell. You're only condemning yourself. The most important part of the great commandment is to love God. This happens if you have "personal" faith. The right church helps, but it's not like it can hand you faith on a communion plate."

Little Stevie brow furrows in contemplation.

"I have to go back now, Little Stevie, but I want to leave you with one final bit of advice. Think for yourself. Don't do something because someone else tells you tell to. You won't be living your own life, you'll be living a life that someone else thinks you ought to. You have to find your own path. Finding your own path doesn't mean you'll have to walk alone though. You can take the same highway to different destinations. People will travel with you and enjoy their company for as long as you can, but don't think you have to get out in the same place."


Friday, July 3, 2020

#Crossbyte Contemplation #5: linked to your past. Oh, oh, Domino by Van Morrison


Domino chain

#crossbytes  One decision, like one domino tipped, can create a link leading from your present to your future. 

Imagine if you will, a line of dominoes, 25,000 of them. One domino pushed animates a swirling, whirling mass of artistry and blazing color.  Think of the grandeur as patterns emerge, morph and flower. Now, image if just one of those dominoes is removed. The entire chain breaks.

When I was in school, my history classes covered a theory that was called the domino principle. During the cold war, the theory proclaimed that if democratic countries allowed one small country to fall into Soviet control, then it would begin a chain reaction that resulted in much of the known world being under communist control. For this reason, the United States got involved with Korea and with Vietnam.

Think about the decisions you have to make. You should approach every decision that you make with the idea that its repercussions could be felt for the rest of your life. Most of the time when we think about this, we think about only the bad decisions we have made. We need to adjust our thinking.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a junior in high school, I decided to become a teacher. I loved learning and sharing knowledge but more than anything else, I had two teachers whom I wished to emulate. Don't ever think that your actions don't influence others. And you don't have to be a teacher for this to happen.

I came from a poor family, so I knew that I would need financial help to attend college. One of the scholarships I decided to accept was a teaching scholarship. It was quite a generous sum for its time, but it came with one stipulation: I had to teach for two years or else I would have to pay the scholarship back. My dad talked to me about it. lining up the pros and cons. In the end, I decided to take the scholarship.

I graduated with honors and got my first teaching job. Unfortunately, for me, the first year I taught was the worst teaching year of my life. I despised. Now, I won't say that there weren't some very rewarding moments that first year because there were. However, the rewards were not great enough to balance the ba moments out.

I resigned from this job. In actuality, it probably was one of those situations where I might have been fired had I not resigned. Only one thing kept me from leaving teaching after that year. You guessed it. The scholarship I received. I couldn't afford to pay half of the money I had gotten from it.

Well, I thought to myself. Surely, I can make it through one more year, and then I could quit. This is where Arcadia Valley High School in Ironton, MO saved me. I was hired there despite some of their misgivings. News that I had not had a great first year reached them. The schools were only about 12 miles apart. I took the job, and my eyes opened to what teaching really should be.

Because of this job, I realized that teaching was my destiny. I taught for over 30 years, and I'd like to think that I did more good than harm. While I taught at this school, I met my wife. My wife introduced me to the greatest church I have ever attended. The Arcadia Valley United Methodist Church is where I met role models whose life and witness have inspired me ever since. Me attending this church led to my becoming a lay speaker who often delivered the message when the pastor was gone, to being in the choir, to helping with the youth and children's ministry. Our daughter was born when we lived in Ironton. My daughter married a man from this town and they now have two children, the joys of my wife's and my lives.

All of this resulted from one decision. One domino falling.

Before you push that domino, consider where the rest will fall in your future. Make careful decisions.  As Robert Frost said, Way leads onto to way. Make sure the way your dominoes are falling is the way where you want them to go.

Total Pageviews