I start to leave, but
something outside the window catches my eye.
I look out, my heart thudding.
I stare for a long time before I can face the reality.
Lou swings from a tree outside the window; he’s hanged
himself with an electrical cord.
I don’t remember much of the rest of that day. I got him down, but he was already dead. I found a note on him that said. Don’t worry.
I’m not going to hell. I’m
leaving it. I think I called 911because
an ambulance and some cops got there. I
think I mentioned something about a video, but I don’t remember for sure. I don’t really come back to myself fully
until awakening in a cold sweat in the middle of the night after I dream that
the beast had snared me with electrical cords and was dragging me into its wet,
sucking mouth.
I lie in bed in the total blackness and stillness of the
night and stare at the ceiling. I wonder
if I would have been in that video if I had not gone off with Ella. I wonder if I could have stopped it if I had
stayed there. I wonder if Roger’s
protection order has been called off. I
wonder if it worth it for me to go on living too. I’m just another Lou in a world full of Lou’s
that no one gives a shit about except for tormenting us. It bothers me that the only thing I can
remember about Lou is sitting at the cafeteria and telling him to shut the fuck
up.
Mom expects me to go to school tomorrow. I am already in trouble because I skipped to
go check on Lou. I may get ISS for
that. Mom just looks at me, and whenever
she starts to reach out to touch me, she stops because she doesn’t know how to be
loving anymore, and she doesn’t want to be cruel. So, the only thing you can see and feel in my
house is the silence. Even Dee doesn’t
talk to me. I guess she doesn’t know
what to say. Maybe, she realizes how
close she is to being one of the Lou’s of the world too. Maybe she knows that both of us are just the
kind of thing that the beast likes to eat.
I am sure that it will do the best it can to get me, and before I fall
off back to sleep, I decide that is the one reason I am not going to kill myself. The fucking beast is not going to get me.
Chapter 19
On Tuesday, I find myself at my usual place, sitting at a
cafeteria table. I’m alone. I don’t know where Ella is. Everyone looks at me but no one talks to me;
it’s as if I am a leper. I am hearing
rumors that heads are going to roll at the school. Schools have been brought down by scandals,
and suicide caused by cyber bullying is one of the worst kinds of scandal. Never mind that it happened off school
grounds. It affects everyone.
Then, again, everyone was drunk or stoned, and
technically, you couldn’t identify anyone on the video, but everyone knows
everything about the incident, including the guilty parties. I look up to see Jerret elbow one of the
lesser flunkies in the jocks’clique. As
he whispers something in his ear, he looks straight at me. Then, Jerret walks in my direction. Despite what everyone in this school knows
happened, no one stands up to stop Jerret from walking toward me. In fact, they’re all watching in fascination.
Jerret gets up to my table and smiles. “Dude,” he says.
Every muscle in my body tenses.
“I heard you skipped school yesterday to hang with one of your friends.”
For the second time in two days, my mind goes blank. When I come to again, two male teachers have
me on the cafeteria floor and they’re smashing my face into the tile. With my head twisted sideways, I can make out
Jerret lying on the floor a short distance away. His eyes are closed, and he’s not
moving. Blood pools under his head.
“You fuckhead,” I say.
The teacher grabs my hair, raises my head, and smashes my
face back into the tile. I gray out for
a split second, but I refuse to black out.
He asks me if I’m calm, and I tell him I am. I’m also exhausted and more than a little
scared because I can’t remember what I’ve done.
I wonder if I have killed Jerret.
I don’t think it will bother me if I have. The two teachers lift me to my feet. I hear sirens outside the school. Cops or an ambulance. Multiple sirens. Both.
I take one last look at Jerret before they lead me
away. He groans a little, so at least I
know I’ve not killed him. It doesn’t
matter though. Apparently, I have
seriously assaulted him.
“Danger to himself and others!” The words echo from one of the voices in my
head. I don’t think I’ll go to
prison. I’m a juvenile, and I’m also
crazy – Doctors will line up to tell them that.
They’ll talk about how they’ve always suspected I’m dangerous, capable
of violence. They might even try to use
EST on me again. I’ll kill myself or
someone else before that ever happens again.
Dee steps from a crowd of kids. “Dean, are you okay?”
I nod. I expect
her to follow up with something like:
“How could you be such an idiot?”
But she doesn’t.
“Lou was my brother’s friend,” Dee says. “You should have heard what Jerret said to
him. I’d beat the shit – crap – out of
him too.”
I’m amazed that she’s sticking up for me. Blood is actually thicker than Aeropostale
and American Eagle Outfitters.
“Don’t let them zap me, Dee.”
“All right,” she says.
“Promise!”
“I promise.”
“We’ll want to talk to you, Dee.”
Within seconds, all the office brass is there, followed
closely by two ambulance attendants with a crash cart and two police with
cuffs. As far as I can tell, the only
mark I have on me is the tile imprint, so I’m guessing you can figure out which
one is for me. I’m cuffed and taken to
the office. Everyone stares at me and
whispers as I walk past them. I’m sure
that visions of Columbine dance through their head. I can almost hear them thinking. I knew he was crazy.
I’ll spare you all the details, but the school called my
mom and my shrink. I have been suspended
indefinitely from school, and I am going to endure a two week placement at the
neighborhood psychiatric facility and then be reevaluated. The second time in one school year; that is a
record even for me. My brain is not to
be fried; but I am going to be heavily medicated and go to several kinds of
therapy and counseling. If I am cleared, I will come back to alternative
school. No more regular classroom for me
– at least not until further notice.
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