Mixed episode

One of the worst things that a bipolar can suffer is what is called a mixed episode. It is very difficult to explain because we all have situations where we have mixed feelings about something. For instance, you get a new job. On the one hand, you are incredibly excited about it, but on the other hand, you might be sad that you are leaving good friends behind, and there's always that fear that you are making a terrible mistake.

Now imagine not only having mixed emotions but having extreme mixed emotions at the exact same time. Imagine being totally stressed out and anxious. Unless you have a full-blown mixed episode, you have probably understood nothing of what I just said. I have been lucky in that I have had only one time period where I experienced a mixed episode. It lasted for close to a month, but I survived it.

This is kind of a long prelude to something you might consider a little superfluous. Every year, I have extremely mixed emotions about fall. I love the cooler weather, the cool days and the clear nights, the color changes in the trees, and I even love consumer-driven Halloween. I always have candy left over. I used to love Thanksgiving too, and I still like it, but with Thanksgiving, there is also sadness because my mother died the weekend before Thanksgiving.

While I love the fall, I always feel restless. It's not just a passing phase; it settles in for months. There's a difference between restlessness and depression, so it's not a SAD type of malady. I think I know where it might have originated from. Fall means that summer is over for one thing, but I also always went back to school in the fall. Many times in my years of teaching I wondered if I was "being all that I could be."  I was for the most part, but I couldn't see that. No matter what I accomplished in my life, I wasn't satisfied, and these feelings seemed to intensify beginning near the end of September and basically lasting for weeks. It isn't that the feelings are with me 24 hours a day because they aren't, but they are always lurking.

I experienced them most intensely when I was lost in my own thoughts, frequently when I was journaling. This is tough because my personality is an INFP. An INFP is an introverted thinker, so I am frequently in my own world, lost in my thoughts. In fact, I am mostly aloof. It's tough to get to know me, and I won't say much about myself until I know you well.

Well, the restlessness is back again this year. I think it's here for two reasons. One, I'm getting on in years. I am metaphorically speaking in the fall of my life. I think the next thing is that I don't feel as if I am as successful as I always wanted to be. This is because I have not been as successful with my writing as I had hoped. This is the worst thing I should desire to be successful in. Face it, you're only as good as your last book or play or screenplay. A writer is always proving himself or not proving himself (or herself). Furthermore, even if you do succeed in something, you've likely had several failures.  It's a tough business.

Well, that's really all I wanted to say in here today. I am going to give you a link to my Amazon author page just in case you might be inclined to buy one of my books.  Sales for September have been slow.

My Amazon author page: biography, blog, and books for sale