As an introvert, I am always thinking about my life. I spend a lot of time lost in my own world. I obsess over everything and turn things over and over in my mind.
Lately, I have lost my sense of identity. In some ways, I am like the snake who is shedding his old skin and trying something new. My hope is that my new skin suits me.
I've struggled with a lot of different things lately including my faith and my dreams. Over the years, I have lost my way. I won't go into all of the things that have happened to knock me off my path. I do think I'm working my way back to what I was meant to be before all of my delusions of grandeur steered me down the wrong path.
I wasted a lot of time trying to write in order to make money. This never worked as I chased one trend after another. I was hoping to ride the crest of something that was popular so that I could cash in. My goal was to get rich enough that I could retire from teaching -- unless of course, I became a full-time professor at a prestigious university. That would have been suitable for me. I longed for the acknowledgments that such successes would bring to me.
I have come to understand that I have spent most of my life trying to prove myself to people which made it impossible for me to prove myself to myself. I won't go into all of the reasons for this, but you can probably guess what those are.
My drive to become famous, rich writer who also held down a position at a university actually began when I was about 22. As you might guess, 38 years later, I can honestly say that I have not succeeded in this drive. As a result, for the last five years or so, I have thought of myself as a failure.
You have to understand that low self-esteem and unreasonable expectations are common for someone who suffers from bipolar, especially bipolar two which manifests itself primarily in depression.
When I first began writing, I loved poetry, and I wrote a lot of it, most of it not that great, but all of it was honest. Then, I spent several years not being honest with myself. I began to lose myself, to travel down a path that was not mean for me to travel, when one day, I read something about royalties. I figured that 10% was about standard for royalties on a hardback book, and if one sold for $10 and if it sold 10,000 copies, I could make $1,000 dollars. And if I sold ... well, you get the drift. It was only later that I read that the average successful writer sells about 400 books a year.
From then on, I tried my hand at novels. At another time, I read that over 50% of books sold in our country were romance novels. I decided that I would become a romance novelist -- with a pen name, of course. I went so far as to take an online romance-writing course and buying a copy of Writing Romance for Dummies. Then I read somewhere about what the average pay was for optioning a script, about $30,000. Then I decided I'd become a screenwriter. You can guess how far I've gone there.
The biggest issue with me was that I got tantalizingly close to realizing my dreams, but that was not enough for me. I published plays, short fiction, won some minor contests, and even placed high in some screenwriting contests including one of the top ten in the country, but I never broke through the way I wanted to. As far as my college professorship goes, I never got a Ph.D. so I never taught at a university, but I came very close to getting a full-time job at a community college. That would have been enough for me. I didn't get the job, but I did become an adjunct and have been for 25 years or so. To me, that was a failure. To me publishing the things I published was a failure. To me, I had failed in nearly everything I did.
It's a vicious cycle. Thinking you can achieve great things to prove to other people that you are special, and then, when you don't achieve those things, thinking that everyone was actually right about you being a loser. I have basically lived with thinking of myself as a failure until just recently.
I discovered Back Deck Devotionals time. At our new house, we have a back deck. I started going out on the back deck to drink my coffee in the morning. It gave me time to meditate and pray. Then I started reading more seriously about my personality type and about bipolar disorder, and I began to understand myself more than I ever had.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I have begun to see what I really am and to understand that I have accomplished a lot, more than a lot of people have. I have also begun to understand that my expectations were unrealistic to the point of being delusional. My continuing goal is to completely understand who and what I am and to fully accept it before I die. I think I get closer most of the time, but often, it's one step forward and two steps back.
I have given up my delusions and believe it or not, it has given me peace. I don't intend to kill myself with the idea that I'm going to be great. I no longer believe I have to be great, that I am good enough as I am. My writing goals have been the biggest demon to me throughout my life, but I have readjusted them and decided how I will proceed. I'm working on a script, and I'm going to finish it, and I have a couple who have been sent to some places. If these don't work out, then I'm not going to do anymore screenwriting. It is unreasonable for me to believe that I can have a screenwriting career while I'm living in Missouri, and I don't intend to move to California. I am fine now about not making it as a screenwriter. I'm no longer interested in writing a best-selling novel. I've decided that what I like to write is middle-grade and young-adult fantasy that has a touch of humor in it. I used to enjoy writing plays, but I haven't had one published in a long time, but I did look at my publisher's site and discovered that a school in Texas is going to perform one of my plays in November.
I've also decided that I am going to write some poetry again. My goal is to put several poems into a book and maybe self-publish it to leave to my granddaughter.
Here's where my writing stands at this particular moment. I've submitted a couple of plays to different places. As I've mentioned, I have also submitted screenplays to a couple of places. Two of my YA fantasy novels are with editors who are deciding if they will choosed them for publication. I am attending a writer's conference in October where I have entered 16 contests, all with cash prizes.
The results of all of these submissions will guide me in my future writing. If none of my screenplays go anywhere, I just won't waste time writing anymore of them. The same for all of the other stuff. So I have asked myself, "What if none of these get anywhere? What if every single one of them is rejected?" I have decided that if this happens, I will have received the answer to my quest. I'll write my poetry and content myself with that. I do have to admit that I especially rooting for one novel. The way it is set up, I could spend the rest of my life exploring and expanding upon it's world. I would like to make it a series of books where I would write at least one every year until I die.
As far as my goal of being a professor goes, I'm officially retired from teaching, but I still teach five classes a year for Three Rivers Community College. I'm content with that.
I know this is a long blog, and I thank you if you have stuck with it this long, but it is long because I felt the need to write it and I wanted to make a comment, to pass on a lesson I've learned for my 60 years of life. If there's one thing I learned, it's this:
You can waste all of your life losing yourself in a search for what you think you should be when what you are is right where it has always been ... inside you.
I am going to set up a link to my Amazon author page, just in case, you decide you might like to purchase my books. If you don't, that's okay too.
My Amazon Page where you can order my books if you'd like.
Lately, I have lost my sense of identity. In some ways, I am like the snake who is shedding his old skin and trying something new. My hope is that my new skin suits me.
I've struggled with a lot of different things lately including my faith and my dreams. Over the years, I have lost my way. I won't go into all of the things that have happened to knock me off my path. I do think I'm working my way back to what I was meant to be before all of my delusions of grandeur steered me down the wrong path.
I wasted a lot of time trying to write in order to make money. This never worked as I chased one trend after another. I was hoping to ride the crest of something that was popular so that I could cash in. My goal was to get rich enough that I could retire from teaching -- unless of course, I became a full-time professor at a prestigious university. That would have been suitable for me. I longed for the acknowledgments that such successes would bring to me.
I have come to understand that I have spent most of my life trying to prove myself to people which made it impossible for me to prove myself to myself. I won't go into all of the reasons for this, but you can probably guess what those are.
My drive to become famous, rich writer who also held down a position at a university actually began when I was about 22. As you might guess, 38 years later, I can honestly say that I have not succeeded in this drive. As a result, for the last five years or so, I have thought of myself as a failure.
You have to understand that low self-esteem and unreasonable expectations are common for someone who suffers from bipolar, especially bipolar two which manifests itself primarily in depression.
When I first began writing, I loved poetry, and I wrote a lot of it, most of it not that great, but all of it was honest. Then, I spent several years not being honest with myself. I began to lose myself, to travel down a path that was not mean for me to travel, when one day, I read something about royalties. I figured that 10% was about standard for royalties on a hardback book, and if one sold for $10 and if it sold 10,000 copies, I could make $1,000 dollars. And if I sold ... well, you get the drift. It was only later that I read that the average successful writer sells about 400 books a year.
From then on, I tried my hand at novels. At another time, I read that over 50% of books sold in our country were romance novels. I decided that I would become a romance novelist -- with a pen name, of course. I went so far as to take an online romance-writing course and buying a copy of Writing Romance for Dummies. Then I read somewhere about what the average pay was for optioning a script, about $30,000. Then I decided I'd become a screenwriter. You can guess how far I've gone there.
The biggest issue with me was that I got tantalizingly close to realizing my dreams, but that was not enough for me. I published plays, short fiction, won some minor contests, and even placed high in some screenwriting contests including one of the top ten in the country, but I never broke through the way I wanted to. As far as my college professorship goes, I never got a Ph.D. so I never taught at a university, but I came very close to getting a full-time job at a community college. That would have been enough for me. I didn't get the job, but I did become an adjunct and have been for 25 years or so. To me, that was a failure. To me publishing the things I published was a failure. To me, I had failed in nearly everything I did.
It's a vicious cycle. Thinking you can achieve great things to prove to other people that you are special, and then, when you don't achieve those things, thinking that everyone was actually right about you being a loser. I have basically lived with thinking of myself as a failure until just recently.
I discovered Back Deck Devotionals time. At our new house, we have a back deck. I started going out on the back deck to drink my coffee in the morning. It gave me time to meditate and pray. Then I started reading more seriously about my personality type and about bipolar disorder, and I began to understand myself more than I ever had.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I have begun to see what I really am and to understand that I have accomplished a lot, more than a lot of people have. I have also begun to understand that my expectations were unrealistic to the point of being delusional. My continuing goal is to completely understand who and what I am and to fully accept it before I die. I think I get closer most of the time, but often, it's one step forward and two steps back.
I have given up my delusions and believe it or not, it has given me peace. I don't intend to kill myself with the idea that I'm going to be great. I no longer believe I have to be great, that I am good enough as I am. My writing goals have been the biggest demon to me throughout my life, but I have readjusted them and decided how I will proceed. I'm working on a script, and I'm going to finish it, and I have a couple who have been sent to some places. If these don't work out, then I'm not going to do anymore screenwriting. It is unreasonable for me to believe that I can have a screenwriting career while I'm living in Missouri, and I don't intend to move to California. I am fine now about not making it as a screenwriter. I'm no longer interested in writing a best-selling novel. I've decided that what I like to write is middle-grade and young-adult fantasy that has a touch of humor in it. I used to enjoy writing plays, but I haven't had one published in a long time, but I did look at my publisher's site and discovered that a school in Texas is going to perform one of my plays in November.
I've also decided that I am going to write some poetry again. My goal is to put several poems into a book and maybe self-publish it to leave to my granddaughter.
Here's where my writing stands at this particular moment. I've submitted a couple of plays to different places. As I've mentioned, I have also submitted screenplays to a couple of places. Two of my YA fantasy novels are with editors who are deciding if they will choosed them for publication. I am attending a writer's conference in October where I have entered 16 contests, all with cash prizes.
The results of all of these submissions will guide me in my future writing. If none of my screenplays go anywhere, I just won't waste time writing anymore of them. The same for all of the other stuff. So I have asked myself, "What if none of these get anywhere? What if every single one of them is rejected?" I have decided that if this happens, I will have received the answer to my quest. I'll write my poetry and content myself with that. I do have to admit that I especially rooting for one novel. The way it is set up, I could spend the rest of my life exploring and expanding upon it's world. I would like to make it a series of books where I would write at least one every year until I die.
As far as my goal of being a professor goes, I'm officially retired from teaching, but I still teach five classes a year for Three Rivers Community College. I'm content with that.
I know this is a long blog, and I thank you if you have stuck with it this long, but it is long because I felt the need to write it and I wanted to make a comment, to pass on a lesson I've learned for my 60 years of life. If there's one thing I learned, it's this:
You can waste all of your life losing yourself in a search for what you think you should be when what you are is right where it has always been ... inside you.
I am going to set up a link to my Amazon author page, just in case, you decide you might like to purchase my books. If you don't, that's okay too.
My Amazon Page where you can order my books if you'd like.
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